It's been a long time

It's been a long time since I've updated. In reality, there is no good reason. I didn't have any personal tragedies, no epic battles with depression, no whirlwind adventure.

All I did was buy, repair, and move into a house. Pretty humdrum in the grand scheme of things.

I also joined BzzAgent, which is a marketing company that has people test products and services and give real, honest feedback about it. I've been part of 3 tests so far, 1 was great, 1 was "meh" at best, and the third is still going on, and I haven't had need to use the product yet.

There are a few things I've been putting together, but thanks to the whole Mom/Moving/Life thing, I don't know when or even if they will appear. Man, I suck at this blogging thing.

Hi, I'm Tonee. I'm a survivor of suicide.

In this picture, I'm the brunette. (I have a thing for dying my hair, ok?) The guy with me is named Brad. We met very early my freshman year at OhioU. We were both in the theater department, and both debating whether or not it was the place for us. Actually, I found out later that he wanted to ask me out until he found out I had a boyfriend. Instead of being a couple, we became close friends. Even after we both left OhioU, we stayed in touch. He was from Cleveland, I'm from Columbus. He came down to visit me quite a bit. We made it a point to stay in touch, even if we didn't see each other every day anymore.

On January 17, 2012, my dear friend Brad was found dead at his alma mater, John Marshall High School, in Cleveland. He was 25. It took over a year for his family to let some of his friends know that his death was ruled a suicide, not accidental.

I missed his funeral. I had a two month old and an ice storm rolled in down here, so I just couldn't justify the 2+ hour drive. It's something I regret, even though I know my daughter's safety was my top priority.

I don't have a whole lot of pictures of the two of us together, but I do have a lot of memories. Recently, I've caught myself crying just thinking about him because I know how much fun he would've had with my daughter. He met my husband once, before we were married, and missed our wedding. He regretted it, but life doesn't always accommodate what you want. I wish he'd have met her.

Brad's death, even before I found out it was suicide, has impacted me in a way no other death has ever affected me. I've lost many older relatives. I've lost a childhood friend to war. But Brad - losing him at all, let alone to suicide - has hurt me every day since January 2012.

Part of me feels guilty.

He and I battled depression together, so was there something I could've done to make it better? Could I have been there more to help make him stronger?

Part of me hates him.

I hate him for not holding on. There's so much more to life than the pain, and I hate him for not holding on long enough to find that out. I hate him for not taking the medication the way he was supposed to take it. I hate him for quitting. I hate him for leaving us all behind.

Brad, like many suicides, was loved. He had a network of friends who loved him. Parents, a baby brother, cousins, aunts, uncles...the list goes on. Brad. Was. Loved.

Most suicides are people who are loved. The sane, rational, educated side of me knows this. I know I couldn't have fixed it. Once someone really decides to do it, there's nothing that can really be done to stop it. We can try, but really, it's all up to them. Some people reach out, to friends, family, or the suicide hotlines. And they survive. They keep fighting. Slowly, but surely, they find their way back to themselves and their lives go on.

Some people don't. Brad is one that didn't.

I miss him every day. I still cry because he's gone. But, every day, it gets a little better. I'll see something or hear a joke that reminds me of him and I'll giggle or grin instead of sob.

I was able to play Bully again for the first time since he died. He introduced me to that crazy ass game, and we spent hours playing it. I didn't cry, I had fun. Things associated with him are starting to get fun again.

I de-friended him on Facebook, though. I couldn't handle seeing all the posts to his wall about how much he is missed. That was just too much.

But that's OK. A link on a social media website doesn't validate a friendship, or taint my memories.

Although I do find myself wanting a clove cigarette from time to time after not touching one for years. I'll blame his influence on that one. Someday I might even light one up despite it being many years since I've had one, just for him.

Mommy's Night Off

I finally convinced Nate that being a stay at home mom is harder than he seems to think it is. He finally believes (for whatever reason) that being on duty 24 hours a day 7 days a week is very grinding. As a result, we've started doing "nights off." Usually it's Mommy's Night Off, where he takes the kiddo over to a friend's house. The guys play video games and she runs around and eventually falls asleep until it's time to go home. It's also good for her to learn to sleep somewhere other than her own bed. I get to do whatever I want on those evenings. Starting next week, we're having a Daddy's night off in the mix where baby and I do our thing, and he goes out with friends and does his thing, guilt-free. It's taken us 18 months, but we finally figured out that having time alone without being on parent duty is necessary to our mental well being.


Tonight is Mommy's night off, as was last Saturday. Last week I went to a movie completely alone for the first time in my life. It was AMAZING. Seriously, if you've never gone to a movie completely alone, go do it as soon as possible. For that matter, take yourself out to dinner, too. I did that for the first time when I was 20, and I loved it. I still do love it, but due to being a one income family, it doesn't happen as often. And I don't mean running into McDonald's. Do at least Olive Garden on your own. Someplace with a waiter/waitress. It's liberating to just be on your own time table.

So far tonight I've left the house long enough to buy a really big bottle of wine (Woodbridge, so mid-range Mondavi. Cabernet Sauvignon if you care, because it's my favorite type of wine.) I've had four full glasses, and I'm feeling damn good. I rarely drink anymore. Being pregnant and then breastfeeding for a year killed my drinking abilities. OK, so I didn't breastfeed in the normal way. I was intimate friends with a breast pump, but still, for the first year of her life my kid had maybe a grand total of 20 ounces of formula. I'd say that's something to be proud of because breastfeeding and pumping is fucking hard. It shouldn't be, but it is.

I should add that I have zero problem with mommas who formula feed their kids. I have a lot less parental judgement than many. If you can breastfeed, please do. If not, there's no shame in formula. Frankly, I'm very surprised with myself that I EP'd (exclusively pumped) for as long as I did. Really, my only parental judging comes from people who can't properly use a car seat. Seriously, it's called a CHEST CLIP not a fucking belly clip.

Don't drink and blog, kids. It results in really messy entries. Do I care right now? No. I'm going to keep going.

Something I've been asked repeatedly is "What kind of parent are you?" Honestly, I'm still working up an answer to that question. I'm thinking that when I'm sober I'll have to spell it out.

For now, I'm going to go drink a glass of water so the hangover tomorrow doesn't kill me. Eventually, though, I have a couple of semi-serious topics I want to write about. I just want to be sober and able to cry when I write them.

Struggles

I've dealt with depression for years, both with and without medication. Somehow, no matter what drugs I'm taking or not taking, I get hit with a bout that I just can't shake about every 15 months.

Right now, I'm not on any medications. I stopped them in January after their effectiveness was just not there. We (my doctor, husband, and I) decided it would be worth a trial run without them. I do have a one month supply stashed if I should need to start back on them, but so far so good.

Until the last six weeks or so.

I've been feeling off. I try to do things out and about with my kid, try to keep my house clean, try to just live my life, but I feel off. I can feel myself being isolated. Now, the tricky part is figuring out if it's all in my head, if I'm unconsciously isolating myself, or if other people are isolating me for whatever reason. It's all happened to me before. The challenge is that when I'm slipping, I can't tell the difference. I know it's happening but I can't figure out the cause. In turn, that makes it even harder for me to pull myself back out of the depression. It's all a cycle, and it sucks.

So I've been isolated. Despite trying my hardest not to be, I am. Nate's noticed it, and he's trying to figure out how to deal with me when I'm like this. So far the most effective method has been him just flat out telling me, "Hey, you're being crazy." I hate it when he calls me crazy, so I think it's dramatic enough in its simple way to stop me in my tracks and help me get myself together.

 You see, I have something called dysthymia. It's not as severe as many forms of depression, but it lingers. On and on and on. I think part of the curse of it is that since it isn't as severe, you can tell something isn't right. You KNOW you're messed up and you're powerless to stop it. There are therapies, medicinal and not, that treat it. I'm trying a nonmedicinal form, and it's more successful than not.

This is just a rough patch. But hey, at least I know it's happening and I can do my best to plow through it.

There's an old saying that if you wag a dog's tail, you'll make it happy because of the association with tail-wagging and happiness. I don't know if that's true or not, but that's what I'm trying for myself.

Honestly? It's working a little bit better every day.

I'm *that* Mom

So tonight has been the first time since before my kid was born that I've been home alone. I begged and pleaded and my darling husband finally took the kid out without me so I could be home alone. I've done nothing but play computer games since I upgraded my graphics card this week. It's been a glorious evening.

Yesterday evening was a graduation party for my friend Jill, who finally completed her bachelor's degree. It was a great time, and I think I earned the title of "That Mom."

You see, it started raining. We were at a park, so mud puddles formed quickly. The bigger kids (ages 4-7) started playing in the puddles. Of course, I let Addy join. I had the means to dry her off and make her comfy in the car, it was hot as hell outside, and I thought it'd be funny. Ultimately she was drenched head to toe and got herself, me, and everyone she came in contact with muddy. And she giggled, laughed, and squealed with delight the entire time.

That's right, I let my 18 month old play in a mud puddle until she was a mess. And I laughed with her.

Mud puddles are AWESOME.

I also let her eat a brownie AND a cookie. She also ate real food, and I think she realized what a treat those sweets were because I've never seen her actually savor food before.

As far as parenting goes, I decided while I was still pregnant that I was just going to roll with it and do things the way that felt right to me. I do some research, chat with other parents, and then go with what feels like the best fit for my family. This has led to a very difficult age in child rearing actually being fun. Yes, she still has epic drama queen meltdowns if I put the wrong shoes on her, but that's what toddlers do. They freak the eff out over everything. They're starting to form their own little opinions and still lack a good way to express them. You'd be frustrated and prone to melt downs, too if you hadn't developed good communication skills.

So there you have it. My kid has eaten junk food and played in mud puddles. And we loved every minute of it.

2 Down...

As of Saturday, I have hiked all of the trails in 2 of the MetroParks. I've hiked them all in Inniswood Metro Gardens (a super-easy one, given) and now I've hiked them all in Three Creeks (another easy one).

I have one trail of less than 1.5 miles left to hike up at Blendon Woods, and one paved trail of about 2 miles to do at Walnut Woods and I will have those parks checked off the list.

There are still many, many miles to go, however. I'm so excited for consistently nice weather. The paved trails allow me to cheat at put the kid in the stroller, whereas putting her in the carrier lets me burn some extra calories. It's win-win.

I've been reading a lot again, and I'm grateful for every page. I just recently finished Stiff by Mary Roach, and The Midwife by Jennifer Worth. Next up, Bonk by Mary Roach and part 2 of Jennifer Worth's Memoirs.

I've also reactivated my account over on Find A Grave. I've already helped a couple of people track down stones for their research, and I'm hoping to get a lot more active with that now that the weather is nice and my kid walks. It's so much easier navigating a cemetery when your companion is capable of walking alongside you.

That's all I have today, a couple of quick, silly updates. If I ever have time again, I'll actually put together something of substance to share.

The MetroParks Project

I keep getting asked why I've decided to hike all of the public hiking trails in the MetroParks system (except the Greenway Trails). Honestly, I have no idea why. I have always really loved the MetroPark system, and being outside is my best form of exercise. Not to mention I have a little kid who loves outside and all it entails.

I guess that's my reason, then. I want to be outside, I want my kid to be outside, and I want to show appreciation for the system in some small way.

I'm around 20% done with the just shy of 100 miles of public hiking trails.

I haven't set a deadline for completion because I never know for sure when I'm going to get a chance to pop out and hike a trail. It'd be my luck I'd be one trail from completion and it'd flood out or my car would break down or some other force beyond my control would make me miss the deadline.

So this is a life goal. The sooner I complete it, the better, but there will always be more.

Earlier this week the Buckeye Trail at Walnut Woods opened. Land was recently purchased for a new park just off of 104 a little south of where I currently live. New parks mean New Trails.

I'm still trying to find out about Rocky Fork.

As part of this project I've put together a little binder. I have printed maps of each park with a trail list that I can check off as I finish, and a pocket for a copy of the official maps available at the parks. I'm trying to figure out what other sort of data I want to accumulate throughout this project. Maybe once Addy is older we'll add a flora/fauna checklist or similar. Suggestions are very welcome on that topic.

There you have it. I want to hike them because I can. I want to collect some sort of data while doing so, but I haven't decided what that will be. I want to teach my kid to appreciate nature from a young age.