Christmas 2010, the best and worst Christmas ever.

This past Christmas is officially going into my personal history as both the best and the worst Christmas ever.

On December 23rd, after a couple of weeks of really wondering, I took a pregnancy test. It was one of them where you pee in the cup and then dip the stick in the pee. You're supposed to hold the stick in the pee for 20 seconds, then put the cap on and let it sit flat for 2 minutes. Before the initial 20 seconds was up, the test turned positive. I sat in the bathroom making sure I followed the instructions exactly with a stopwatch in my hand...and sure enough at the 2 minute mark it was still bright blue and very positive.

After the initial freak out, Nate and I figured "it's OK, we can do this." After all, dumber and poorer people than us have managed to raise wonderful kids and if you wait until you're financially stable it'll never happen.

On Christmas, we told a couple of family members that we might just be expecting. The reaction from those family members reassured me that yes, this can be done, it'll be OK.

Then the pains started. Late Saturday night. I heard cramps and such could happen in early pregnancy, so I wasn't too worried.

Then Sunday came along. The worst pain I've ever experienced in my life started. And then the bleeding started. Without getting too detailed and disgusting, I will say I nearly called an ambulance there was so much of it. I knew immediately what was happening. I called Nate at work to tell him. I spent Sunday curled up on my couch crying and then running to the bathroom to...clean up. No matter what I did, it just wouldn't stop.

So in the span of a few days I found out I was pregnant and lost the baby. I'm a fucking statistic and I hate it. Depending on whose version of pregnancy math you use, I was between 5 and 7 weeks along. I was going to call the doctor on Monday to make the happy appointment, and I was going to tell my mom then. Sure enough instead I got to tell her that the reason I had been sick was because I had miscarried.

It's the worst feeling in the world, even though it was a complete surprise. While initially I was completely shocked and terrified, I got over that pretty quickly and started to get excited. I was figuring out how to rearrange the house to make room for baby stuff...I even bought myself a couple of books because we all know what a research junkie I am.

My heart is shattered. My mom tells me that at least it was all a big surprise, that we hadn't been trying for a baby..she says it's a blessing that it was all sorta there and gone. She insists that while it hurts, it's much worse when you're trying.

I can't imagine going through this when it's a planned pregnancy. I always knew it must be difficult, but now that I've gone through it...I'm scared. I'm scared that when we actively try it's gonna happen again and that it will just hurt worse and worse. I know that the statistics are now in my favor for a successful pregnancy, but let's face it, a broken heart doesn't listen to statistics and reason.

The worst part of all of this has got to be Nate's reactions. He's happy I miscarried. He also doesn't understand that I don't want to have sex for a while because I hurt and don't feel good. In every other way my husband is awesome, but in this respect he's just making it worse.

So yeah. There you go. Yes, I was pregnant, but I'm not now. I'm miserable about it and I just hate that I feel so miserable.

I'm stranded.

Wednesday night, I got off work a little early. Traffic was nasty because of the weather, so I decided to take the back roads home. By back roads, I mean well-lit, major surface streets in our lovely city. Wanna know what it got me?

The good side of all this is that if the frame isn't bent, my truck is definitely fixable. If the frame bent, then I'm screwed.

If you're curious, I hit an Infiniti sedan. The fiberglass on his car disintegrated (as it's designed to do) but damn does it make the damage look so much worse. My biggest fear is the bent frame. The rest of the truck is easily fixable: new fender, new bumper, replace the parking light assembly. All very affordable parts, actually. Not that I've been impatient or anything :-)

Fortunately the adjuster should be calling me on Monday. Until then, I have to figure out how the hell I'm going to get to work.

Man, I suck.

So much for the daily blogging thing. I figured it would take me longer to fail miserably at that goal.

Anyhow, I've been all domestic recently. I've been cooking, crocheting, even cleaning. Yes, cleaning. It's ridiculous.

So last night was the first recipe I've tried that I've screwed up. It's an easy fix, and it's still tasty, it's just..off a smidge.

Today's mission is a black magic cake. Yes, chocolate, a hint of coffee, and sugary goodness.

Now I have to go get my husband to stop yelling at my dog for no reason. Nate has no patience for children or animals, I swear.

I have never met my mother-in-law. I've only ever heard her voice on a voicemail she left for Nate for his birthday. I've never seen a picture of her.

Long story short, she hasn't been involved in Nate's life since he was 15ish. For a reason I'd rather not get in to right now.

Nate's brother recently made contact with her again. She knows Nate is married, but that's about it. She knows my name. She has no idea what I look like, or even what her youngest son looks like now. Nate wants to call her, but for a myriad of reasons, he can't make himself do it. So, I got her address. Pretty easy considering I already had her phone number. I want to send her a letter and a few pictures of me and Nate. I know the things I want to tell her, the things I want to ask her, but I'm struggling with how to word it all and work it all out.

I also need to pick some good pictures to print out and send her.

If you're wondering, yes, Nate knows what I'm doing. I wouldn't deceive my husband, especially over something that is so directly involving him.

So..what do I do? "Hey Joyce! I'm the daughter-in-law you didn't know existed until recently! How've you been?"

I'll figure it out. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's writing letters.

I spent today at home thanks to a migraine. It sucked.

Perhaps I'm Pathetic...

I am still addicted to Degrassi.

I'm 24, and should be over this show, but alas, I am not.

Anyhow, I've finally decided on a Halloween costume for this year, now I just have to go shopping to find the coat in my price range. I'm going as Carmen SanDiego.

Yes, I am that big of a nerd. I've got everything but the two most important pieces: the coat and the hat. I found the hat. I need to find the coat.

This is my mission.

Today would have been John Lennon's 70th birthday. As a Beatles fan, and a music fan in general, I can't help but wonder what changes (if any) he could have brought to the music world had he not been murdered.

Think about it. Look at what Paul McCartney did. Look at what George Harrison did. Can you imagine a music world with John Lennon still in it? Holy shit!

I leave you with this for today: