Random Things Nobody Told Me About Pregnancy

I am currently just shy of 32 weeks pregnant, meaning I've got just under 2 months until my little parasite is due to join us out here in harsh reality. I've been experiencing more and more weird stuff with this pregnancy as I've gotten further along, and I've decided I want to complain about a few things nobody warned me about...or if they did, they sugar-coated it enough to where I thought it would only be a minor inconvenience, not the rage-inducing pain the the ass it has become. These are in no particular order, and honestly, this is just a way for me to vent so I can move on with life today.

1) Your belly doesn't really grow gradually. It comes in bursts. If this was gradual, I could adapt...no, instead it's bursts of gain and just as I get used to the new weight, more of it shows up! As a result, I have trouble putting on my own shoes (even slip on ones!) You know you get a belly (duh) but they also neglect to tell you that breathing becomes nearly impossible...they say "oh yeah, it's tricky with baby there"...bite me. "tricky" is catching my breath after laughing a bit. This is "I just ran from a serial killer, dear God help me breathe!" levels of difficult.

2) You will miss the days of an easy poop. Nobody tells you this. Ever. You find out AFTER you're pregnant and the difficulties begin. Regularity goes out the window. Easy in and out of the bathroom trips are a thing of the past. You go from fine to "OH MY GOD BATHROOM NOW!!!!" in a matter of seconds. If you research it enough, you eventually find some information on why this is...but it's not one of those upfront things. I really could've used a little bit of warning on this one.

3) You will experience things coming out of you that you never imagined could be considered "normal." So, to be honest, all women know that strange things come out of your vagina under normal circumstances..it's why most of us don't have to douche. Your body does it's think, and it's a minor inconvenience at its worst. We also are told that the discharge will increase with pregnancy since your cervix is doing its actual job and sealing off your uterus now.

So what's my problem?

Nobody warned me about what happens to this "minor inconvenience" during the 3rd trimester! Nobody told me that the "slightly more than average" discharge would become a huge inconvenience, a mess, and a general source of discomfort. Fortunately I have a great OB team who managed to calm me down when I was convinced that I was leaking and going into super early labor and things were going to hell in a handbasket. Seriously, THEY DON'T WARN YOU THIS HAPPENS IN THE 3RD TRIMESTER! This is my warning to the world: As long as it stays normal looking and smelling, you'll be fine but a lot wetter than you have been through the entire rest of the pregnancy. I think I'm keeping the pad/pantiliner companies in business just by being pregnant.

4.Sleeping is almost impossible. I am the kind of person who sleeps sprawled out on my back. Thanks to the beach ball of liquid in the middle of me, that isn't exactly a possibility, so I have to attempt to sleep on my side. Not only is it uncomfortable in the best of circumstances for me, but it makes my hips hurt, which just screws me up for the rest of the day. When I do sleep, it's a couple of hours here and there just from sheer exhaustion. I guess it's training for having a newborn, but god do I miss sleeping. Because of the lack of sleep, I'm cranky and on edge all of the time. Mix that with the last trimester hormones and I'm a freaking awesome person to be around.

So, I guess the whole point of this whiny rant is that I am very much ready to be done with pregnancy. It's not fun or cute anymore. I'm huge, I'm uncomfortable, and I just want ONE NIGHT OF SLEEP. I know that last thing won't happen for quite a while, but just the idea of being able to sleep on my back again is sustaining me through this last few weeks.