weirdly nervous

I've decided that I'm freaking myself out unnecessarily. The other day, I started having chest pains. This is nothing new for me. I've damaged the cartilage in my ribs enough to where stupid things like lifting a heavy book bag will cause me extreme pain. I'm used to it, and I know my restrictions..I also have medication to take when the pain gets out of hand.

What I'm freaked about is that despite taking the medication (and trying a couple of others the doctor suggested in case my body is getting too accustomed to the prescription)...well, the pain isn't going away.

I've been here before. Usually when it gets exceptionally bad it takes about a week to go away. The problem is that right now I don't have the time to slow down to let myself heal.

I've thought about going in to the doctor to maybe get an updated prescription or to get a new x-ray done to make sure I haven't made the damage worse. I won't do it, though. Partially because I'm semi-sure I'm over-reacting and partially because I don't have health insurance anymore.

I'm attributing the excess pain to stress. I'm losing my job in January, and we're already broke all the time because Nate still doesn't have a job. He's spent our entire marriage jobless. We're running out of savings. I'm losing my job.

I'm panicking.

And I think that's why the pain has come back so strongly. I'm panicked. I'm absolutely terrified because everything is going to hell, I can't stop it, and I don't know how to deal with it.

I realize there are people out there in much worse shape than we are...some of them are my nearest and dearest friends.

I just don't like being out of control of my own life, and that's what it feels like. I have no control. It is taking so much effort on my part to not revert to the nasty habits of my teen years. My meds are barely working, and it's because I'm so freaked and scared and I have no idea what I'm going to do.

I'm at a loss. I had somewhere I was going with this, and I've completely forgotten. I'm...done.