Epic Win!

Tim bought me this. Just FYI, it is an epic WIN. Major major epic win of win-y awesomeness. Seriously.

it's been a while.

I've pretty much hit the point of a complete and total breakdown. The reality of losing my job and not having another one lined up already is scaring me big time. Nate still hasn't found a job due to his ridiculous and unrealistic standards. I'm ready to just...panic.

My best friend and her fiance are facing a point in their relationship that is completely make or break. I can't help but feel that her fiance is pressuring me to fix it when I can't. I talked to both of them, told them what I think they should do...and beyond that, nothing else I say or do is going to fix their relationship. It's all up to them, period.

I can't help but feel like I'm responsible for fixing it. As a result, I'm racking my brain for them and neglecting my own marriage. Nate already puts up with a lot of bullshit from me, I don't want to make it actual drama.

Yet another thing bothering me. It's been six months (and one week) since we've been married, and I don't want to ruin the happiness between us because I'm stressing out over my best friend's situation. I KNOW I CAN'T FIX IT. But still, I try. I yearn to fix it either way.

Time and time again, I try to fix things that are beyond my control. I know it's ridiculous, but I like being in control of my own life, and I like my friends to be happy.

Honestly, I wish her fiance would stop asking me for help. I can't do any more than I already have. I truly think this is going to break them, and I'll be the one to blame. That's ridiculous, I know, but I can't help but think that.

I'm also stressed out because I am running out of meds and can't get any more. I've heard that some of the metabolism-increasing diet supplements can help for those of us with serotonin imbalances, so worst case scenario I'll try that to hold me at least on this side of depression until I can get my drug. It's pathetic, but I found myself fantasizing about a black market for zoloft where I can get all of the drug I need for the next year for cheap.

But, I've realized that most of this attitude I'm projecting has to do with the fact that I am running out of my drugs. I'm rationing them, only taking them every other day to make them last longer. The problem with this method is that they don't work nearly as well.

The result? A nasty rush back of my symptoms. No, they aren't as severe because I do have at least some zoloft in my system, but they are there. I'm irritable, I'm tired all the time, I feel like I'm on the brink of tears constantly, I feel guilty for no damn reason at all....

...anyone else have little alarms going off, because I sure do.

I try to suck it up, but I really don't think I can handle the impending life crisis of unemployment without my zoloft. Yes, I use it like a crutch, but I like living and I like my life, and the zoloft makes it possible for me to live my life.

The point of this random non sequitur of a rant? Dysthymia and depression are real, and they suck. I hate having dysthymia because I know it's a life long chronic condition. I'll probably be on zoloft for the rest of my life. I hate that fact. I hate that there is a strong possibility my children will deal with the same crap. I hate that my ability to live my life depends on a supply of a little blue pill.

I hate that I'm freaking out over a situation I should be able to handle.

I don't even know anymore. I'm all over the place (hey, look, another symptom!)

I'm sorry to those who have real problems who sat through this. I know I'm being a self-indulgent and whiny brat, I just feel like if I get this all out I might be able to force myself through without my happy pills.

Paranoia

My good friend Jill has been dealing with a medical nightmare over the past several months. (Click on her blog for details, I'll just say it's been a nightmare for her).

In an attempt to deal with this medical nightmare, she's been getting her records together from all of the various specialists she's seen so when she goes to the Cleveland Clinic next week, they'll have a more complete picture of what has been going on.

She found out that one of the specialists wrote a letter to another saying that Jill was crazy and everything was caused by severe psychosis.

This absolutely scares me. Not only am I worried that one doctor's invalid opinion will make it virtually impossible for Jill to get a diagnosis or treatment for the medical mystery, but I'm also worried for a very selfish reason.

I deal with depression. I have for years, but it wasn't until about three years ago that I swallowed my pride and got myself put on some medication to deal with the situation. If one doctor or just thinks there is a mental health problem can screw everything up for someone...well, what would happen if something nightmarish happened to me? I have a documented history of mental disorder. I've been on a medication you're supposed to have for six months for three years, with no sign of being pulled off of it anytime soon.

I know, I'm selfish for thinking of this, but in this day and age where we have to be our own advocates for EVERYTHING, how can I not be worried?

"Cost of Delay" Healthcare Vigil

I just got this email from Progress Ohio.

I'm going, pending my own death. Anyone who wants to join me, please let me know. I have dollar store candles we can use and we can make wax catchers from index cards fairly easily. The following is the email I received:


We can't afford to wait. As the Senate debates their version of health care reform, we need to ramp up public pressure on our senators to pass real reform before the end of the year. So, on December 8th, our friends at MoveOn.org are organizing a nationwide day of "Cost of Delay" vigils.

These vigils will shine a spotlight on the number of Americans in our communities who can't afford to pay the costs of their medical bills and are being forced into bankruptcy. And we'll show the Senate that we can't afford to wait to pass health care reform with a national public option this year.

Right now, there are 251 gatherings planned - including one in Grandview:

WHAT: Cost of Delay Health Care Vigil
WHEN: Tuesday, December 8, 2009, at 5:45 PM
WHERE: First Avenue and Grandview Avenue, Columbus, OH 43212
RSVP: Click here to let us know you're coming!

Bundle up, bring your own candles. Parking is available on some side streets, and in the parking lot behind Stauf's, Spagio, etc. on Grandview Ave.

To your health,

Brian Rothenberg
Executive Director
ProgressOhio.org

Dog Auctions

http://www2.aspca.org/site/MessageViewer?em_id=65204.0

This only pertains to Ohioans right now, but since I'm pretty sure that is most of my readership, there you go.

weirdly nervous

I've decided that I'm freaking myself out unnecessarily. The other day, I started having chest pains. This is nothing new for me. I've damaged the cartilage in my ribs enough to where stupid things like lifting a heavy book bag will cause me extreme pain. I'm used to it, and I know my restrictions..I also have medication to take when the pain gets out of hand.

What I'm freaked about is that despite taking the medication (and trying a couple of others the doctor suggested in case my body is getting too accustomed to the prescription)...well, the pain isn't going away.

I've been here before. Usually when it gets exceptionally bad it takes about a week to go away. The problem is that right now I don't have the time to slow down to let myself heal.

I've thought about going in to the doctor to maybe get an updated prescription or to get a new x-ray done to make sure I haven't made the damage worse. I won't do it, though. Partially because I'm semi-sure I'm over-reacting and partially because I don't have health insurance anymore.

I'm attributing the excess pain to stress. I'm losing my job in January, and we're already broke all the time because Nate still doesn't have a job. He's spent our entire marriage jobless. We're running out of savings. I'm losing my job.

I'm panicking.

And I think that's why the pain has come back so strongly. I'm panicked. I'm absolutely terrified because everything is going to hell, I can't stop it, and I don't know how to deal with it.

I realize there are people out there in much worse shape than we are...some of them are my nearest and dearest friends.

I just don't like being out of control of my own life, and that's what it feels like. I have no control. It is taking so much effort on my part to not revert to the nasty habits of my teen years. My meds are barely working, and it's because I'm so freaked and scared and I have no idea what I'm going to do.

I'm at a loss. I had somewhere I was going with this, and I've completely forgotten. I'm...done.

We All Need Something To Fear

People crave crisis and fear.

We are all aware that the American media panders to fear; scaring people equals ratings which equals advertising dollars. Nobody likes the fluffy stories about little old ladies and their cars they've owned for fifty years.

We, as Americans, like to panic.

Unfortunately, in my opinion, we are panicking over the wrong things entirely. We're so freaked out about the world ending in 2012 that we're ignoring the greater issues, that are all right here at home. I'm focusing on the 2012 things because let's face it, you can't turn on the History Channel without seeing something about it anymore. There's a movie out starring John Cusack that is all about the crisis, too. It's ridiculous.

So, in our focus on the end of the world in true apocalyptic fashion, we are forgetting that we have several crises here at home that we need to acknowledge and work towards repairing.

Americans at large are still convinced that we are the greatest country in the world. In my research, the only place I've found we're even close to ranking in anything is according to the World Economic Forum, the US is #2 for competitive economy. Funny thing, until this year, we were the top country for competitiveness. Thanks to our tanking national economy and people being afraid to invest in anything or actually *do* anything, we've lost our top spot.

Health Care Reform needs to happen. I don't know anyone who genuinely disagrees with that argument. Sure, we all disagree on how it should be done, but for the most part, Americans agree that it should happen.

At least, that's what I thought. I found someone who thinks our system is just fine the way it is.

Funny. According to the World Health Organization's 2000 healthcare rankings, the US is #37 in the world. 37. Wanna know who is ahead of us?


1 France
2 Italy
3 San Marino
4 Andorra
5 Malta
6 Singapore
7 Spain
8 Oman
9 Austria
10 Japan
11 Norway
12 Portugal
13 Monaco
14 Greece
15 Iceland
16 Luxembourg
17 Netherlands
18 United Kingdom
19 Ireland
20 Switzerland
21 Belgium
22 Colombia
23 Sweden
24 Cyprus
25 Germany
26 Saudi Arabia
27 United Arab Emirates
28 Israel
29 Morocco
30 Canada
31 Finland
32 Australia
33 Chile
34 Denmark
35 Dominica
36 Costa Rica
37 United States of America

Since 2000, the World Health organization has stopped making a ranking system due to the complexity of the task,
but can we honestly tell ourselves that this isn't a problem?

Alright, you don't believe me on this one? Here's another for you, that is a little more recent.
Global education rankings. I'm not talking post-secondary, here.
15 year old students among the 30 countries that participate in the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development.
These nations are our peers, not everyone. Broken down by subject...

...Guess where we are?

Math: 25 out of 30. The average score across the OECD is 500. The US average is 483.
Reading: 16 out of 30. OECD Average: 494. US Average: 495.
Science: 20 out of 30. OECD Average: 500. US Average: 491.
Problem Solving: 25 out of 30. OECD Average: 500. US Average: 477.

Am I the only one appalled by how pathetic we are compared to our peers?

No wonder we are the laughingstock of the Western world.

Seriously, we're so busy concerned about what is going on everywhere else that we are ignoring our problems at home.
How can we possibly presume to tell everyone else how to be when we can't even keep ourselves under control.


Why, then, are we focused on things such as 2012?
I'm sorry, I'm more concerned that if my husband's appendix ruptures, we'll be screwed because we can't afford
health insurance. I don't care if the Mayans thought the world would end in 2012.

Oh, and by the way, they didn't think the world would end. They thought that the current historic era would end and we would
transition into a new age. Kinda like the Millennium fears, isn't it?

So, my dears, let's calm ourselves down for one damn minute.
Since we love crisis so much, let's get angry and work towards fixing the crises we have going on within our own borders.
Let's educate our damn kids, be parents, and stop being afraid that we aren't going to be "cool".
Let's tell our government what we want. What we need. We need a better health care system.
It is their job to listen to us, all we have to do is speak up and hold them accountable.

Here's a big one.

Let's take responsibility for ourselves. Stop playing the victim.

What we've done, we've done to ourselves. Let's stop bitching and start fixing.