Christmas 2010, the best and worst Christmas ever.

This past Christmas is officially going into my personal history as both the best and the worst Christmas ever.

On December 23rd, after a couple of weeks of really wondering, I took a pregnancy test. It was one of them where you pee in the cup and then dip the stick in the pee. You're supposed to hold the stick in the pee for 20 seconds, then put the cap on and let it sit flat for 2 minutes. Before the initial 20 seconds was up, the test turned positive. I sat in the bathroom making sure I followed the instructions exactly with a stopwatch in my hand...and sure enough at the 2 minute mark it was still bright blue and very positive.

After the initial freak out, Nate and I figured "it's OK, we can do this." After all, dumber and poorer people than us have managed to raise wonderful kids and if you wait until you're financially stable it'll never happen.

On Christmas, we told a couple of family members that we might just be expecting. The reaction from those family members reassured me that yes, this can be done, it'll be OK.

Then the pains started. Late Saturday night. I heard cramps and such could happen in early pregnancy, so I wasn't too worried.

Then Sunday came along. The worst pain I've ever experienced in my life started. And then the bleeding started. Without getting too detailed and disgusting, I will say I nearly called an ambulance there was so much of it. I knew immediately what was happening. I called Nate at work to tell him. I spent Sunday curled up on my couch crying and then running to the bathroom to...clean up. No matter what I did, it just wouldn't stop.

So in the span of a few days I found out I was pregnant and lost the baby. I'm a fucking statistic and I hate it. Depending on whose version of pregnancy math you use, I was between 5 and 7 weeks along. I was going to call the doctor on Monday to make the happy appointment, and I was going to tell my mom then. Sure enough instead I got to tell her that the reason I had been sick was because I had miscarried.

It's the worst feeling in the world, even though it was a complete surprise. While initially I was completely shocked and terrified, I got over that pretty quickly and started to get excited. I was figuring out how to rearrange the house to make room for baby stuff...I even bought myself a couple of books because we all know what a research junkie I am.

My heart is shattered. My mom tells me that at least it was all a big surprise, that we hadn't been trying for a baby..she says it's a blessing that it was all sorta there and gone. She insists that while it hurts, it's much worse when you're trying.

I can't imagine going through this when it's a planned pregnancy. I always knew it must be difficult, but now that I've gone through it...I'm scared. I'm scared that when we actively try it's gonna happen again and that it will just hurt worse and worse. I know that the statistics are now in my favor for a successful pregnancy, but let's face it, a broken heart doesn't listen to statistics and reason.

The worst part of all of this has got to be Nate's reactions. He's happy I miscarried. He also doesn't understand that I don't want to have sex for a while because I hurt and don't feel good. In every other way my husband is awesome, but in this respect he's just making it worse.

So yeah. There you go. Yes, I was pregnant, but I'm not now. I'm miserable about it and I just hate that I feel so miserable.