A Story and A Goal

Once upon a time, I was the epitome of the extrovert. I was confident, I loved people, and I was happiest when I was the center of attention. I had hope for the future, I liked where my life was headed, and I was surrounded by awesome people.

Somewhere along the road, something changed. I don't know what exactly, or really even when it happened. All I know for sure is that I changed, and it wasn't for the better. I started taking antidepressants, and things started getting better. My confidence started rebounding and life was awesome again for a while. Then it all slipped backwards again.

The only thing I can figure is that my outlook has shifted. I've gone from sported rose-colored hipster eyewear to being a hardcore cynic.

I hate that.

So here's my goal: I want to recapture at least a small percentage of that exuberance of youth. I'm 26, which is way too young to be grumpy and frumpy all of the time. I realize that I'll never be the optimistic, naive, endlessly energetic young girl I was at 18, but I can regain my confidence, my love of people, my love of life.

I have achieved part of this rebirth. I have the absolute best friends in the world. Friends who have been around longer than anyone else, have witnessed the changes, and are still around. We've all gone out and done our own things, but ultimately, we're better than family. Check off awesome people from the list, as I've got 'em.

I have a daughter now, who is turning into a pretty awesome little person. She's bright, she's funny, and she can already laugh so hard she can't breathe (and probably pees herself, but since she's still in diapers that isn't a big deal right now.) I have a husband who is Captain Awesome more often than not. Sometimes, I'll admit, I just want to junkpunch him, but I suspect that's part of us growing, changing, evolving, whatever together.

The goal & the challenge is the hardest part for me.

I want my confidence back.

I once considered myself a rock star, a goddess, a force of Awesome from the land of Kick-Ass. That is what I want to recapture the most.

Part of this problem is that I've really slacked on taking care of myself. I eat like crap, and I'm nowhere near as active as I should be. I've started changing that. I realized that I don't want to be 9 months pregnant, see 250 on the scale at the OB and start crying. I don't want to see 250 on a scale EVER again.

I realize that the new year is when everyone makes these choices and changes, and most people don't stick with them. I'm trying this time, for real. I have 68 lbs to lose to be my personal version of ideal. I want to lose this weight by the end of the year. I want to be back down before I get pregnant again that way I start off a 2nd pregnancy at a healthier weight. I'm jumping ahead a bit since we haven't decided if we're even having a second kid yet, but I think it's a good thing to tell myself to keep myself motivated.

So, I've started adjusting my eating habits back to how they were when I was at my healthiest. Instead of a couple of big meals filled with calories, I'm spreading my calories out throughout the day. I'm limiting my soda/caffeine intake, and making sure the big calorie items I do eat also pack a nutritional punch. I'm grabbing healthier snacks. Instead of chowing down on a bunch of oreos, I've been grabbing veggies. Little things, yes, but I've been in rough shape for years, so baby steps are what I need first.

I'm also making it a point to be more active. Addy isn't walking around yet, but I'm still finding ways to use her to my advantage. I've started putting her in the baby carrier & walking around outside with her strapped to me. Today, we walked for a mile in the snowy woods. My body is a bit sore, but nothing I'll regret tomorrow. Plus, she snuggled up against me, which she never does anymore. Win for the Momma.

The steps I'm taking are small, but it's all I can handle right now. I figure if I work towards getting myself healthy that my confidence will soon follow.

A girl can dream, right?