Stuff We Need For Baby

Baby registries bother me. They lock you in to a specific brand and color, and while I love Amazon, I know a lot of people don't like to shop online or want to get something else blah blah blah, so here we go. I'm going to put a list of everything we still need for the baby. I know it's a lot of stuff, but I'm just wrapping up the 2nd trimester and didn't want to deal with a lot of baby clutter earlier than was necessary. Also, as far as colors/themes go, despite the fact that we're having a girl we want lots of different colors for her, and if you need a theme, keep the idea of an explorer in your head. I'll update this as we either come up with things we need to have enough of something. Baby shower details are pending for those who are asking.

• Long sleeve onesies
• hats
• socks
• small packages of diapers in different brands (gotta figure out what works!)
• Desitin or similar (store brands are OK with us)
• Newborn pants (winter baby, I need to be able to layer her up)
• Sleepsacks (seriously, have you seen these? AWESOME!)
• Cloth diapers without fasteners OR burp cloths (whichever ends up being easier/cheaper to find)
• Sheets for pack-n-play/porta crib
• baby washcloths and towels
• baby-friendly digital thermometer
• baby monitor (audio-only..get me that stupid video one and I'll shoot you)
• Bottle brushes to clean the zillions of bottles we have
• Receiving blankets

Randomly short annoyed rant

I just want to say to every single person who has called me a hypocrite because I believe in equal rights and yet took my husband's last name: BITE ME.

I believe in choice. I chose to change my last name. It felt right to me. If a woman gets married and chooses something else because that feels right to her, awesome.

Lay off my fucking case already.

Love,
Tonee Keating

The Worst-kept secret in my personal history

I'm posting this hear with the request that nobody mention anything on Facebook about it yet. I'll explain later in the post, but please, for now, don't mention anything on Facebook. kthanks.

Anyhow, the worst kept secret in my personal history is this:
Thanks to a mishap on our vacation to DC at the end of February, the Keatings are now expecting to become a family of 3 in mid-to-late November. Pending my ultrasound in about 3 weeks, my current due date is November 21.

I've been dying to tell everyone, but after my miscarriage in December, I've been scared to get excited. Fortunately, this little one has stuck around for 15 weeks now, so the odds of a miscarriage now have dropped roughly 80%, so I'm not nearly as freaked as I was, say, a month ago. I'm sure most people have figured it out by now, but since Nate's dad doesn't know yet and he's on Facebook...well, you now see my reasoning. I don't want him finding out via Facebook that he has a second grandchild on the way. So you all know, it's not that we're terrible people who just haven't told him, it's that he's out of town ALL THE TIME for his job, and Nate wanted to tell him in person.

So why am I telling everyone now and now just waiting 3 weeks until I get the ultrasound like my original plan?

Because I'm showing already. Just barely, but anyone who has been around me even in my chubby stages or who has been around a pregnant woman can tell this is not a chubby stage. I have the tiniest of baby bumps showing up...just enough to where my normal pants do not fit and there is just enough of a gap between the button and the hole to keep the old rubber band and safety pin tricks from working. So yes, I caved and went and bought a couple of pairs of maternity pants. Honestly, I didn't realize how uncomfortable normal clothing had gotten until I put on those maternity capris. Oh good lord thank you for the comfy elastic waistband.

So yeah, for those of you who have suspected it, it's true. I'm pregnant. I still think the coolest part is hearing the little heartbeat when I go to the doctor. It's very strong and they are extremely pleased by all things medical thus far. Last week when I went in the baby decided to kick the microphone of the machine every time she poked him with it. Since I don't know what the baby is yet, I say "him" a lot, just FYI. Wishful thinking, perhaps?

Anyhow, it was a trip hearing the strong little "thunkathunkathunka" interrupted suddenly by a "POW!" where baby's foot decided it didn't like being poked at, even through my skin and everything. I've felt a couple of little flutters where the baby is moving around, but since he's still so tiny it's very hard for anyone else to feel him unless I have eaten within the last half hour, I lay down flat on my back, and you poke in just the right place. Doc says in a couple of weeks it should be easier for outsiders to feel the little one.

I've been so scared to get excited until now. Now that medicine and statistics are on my side, my concern of having another miscarriage is no longer at the forefront but more of something I'm aware can happen but that doesn't make me freak out randomly anymore.

Nate's dad is supposed to be in town this week, so Nate is going to tell him sometime very soon. Then I'll post any pictures and updates people want to see all over the place because it will no longer be the worst kept secret in my personal history.

Oh, and for anyone keeping track I am officially 15 weeks along (pending ultrasound; you all know how ovulation isn't an exact science, so that might shift by up to a week) and I haven't gained any weight despite the obvious size change. Apparently it's pretty common for women to lose a little weight throughout the first trimester while baby gains, so you pretty much break even.

I'm still undecided about whether or not I'm going to find out the sex of the baby. I want the surprise and I don't want people buying me all pink or all blue crap, however I think the theme we've picked is gender neutral enough to keep people in line even if we do find out.

Due to my history with depression I've been talking with a councilor off and on that my OB hooked me up with. It's not a regular therapy thing, just a phone call or a quick chat here and there if I have concerns, but therapy is an option if either I or the doctors feel I need it. We're trying to nip any complications from my depression in the bud before they become troublesome for me or baby. One thought she had on finding out the baby's gender is that doing so might allow me to connect better with the baby as I'll then be able to fully picture the baby and have names and whatnot and that extra little bond might help stave off postpartum just a bit. It's still my choice, but I am taking her points into strong consideration. I mean, I've known since I was about 5 weeks along that I was pregnant, so even finding out the sex at about 18 weeks will be a fun little surprise.

I'm considering. I'll probably decide the day of the ultrasound when I walk into the waiting area, but at least I have some things to consider on both sides of the argument.

This ended up being a lot longer and more rambling than I meant it to be; I guess I had more to blurt out than I originally thought.

Once again, my only request is to keep this off of Facebook until you see me talking about it on Facebook.

Chocolatey Chocolate Awesome!

Yesterday my friend Lea at work brought in cookies she made to share. They were some of the absolute best chocolate truffle cookies I'd ever had, so of course I needed the recipe. She shared, and so I spent some time this afternoon making the cookies. I deviated from the directions a bit, but the end result is the same...the only difference is that the dough is a bit tougher to work with if you skip things like I did :-)

Here, for you all, are some pictures followed by the recipe. I apologize for not having total step-by-step pics, but when you have sticky chocolate dough all over your fingers it's kinda dumb to break out the camera.

Here they are, nearly done in my oven. The amazing cookie tray is courtesy of my wonderful sister-in-law. If you want to keep to the tradition and have them less cookie-like and more truffle-like, refridgerate the dough overnight. It makes it stiffer, slightly less sticky, and the cookies bake in the ball rather than flatten a bit like mine did.

Here they are cooling. Once they're cool, they get rolled in powdered sugar. Twice. YUM.

Here they are in all their squishy glory. You can't even begin to imagine how divine these things are.

For the dredging/coating/whatever you want to call it.

On a side note, everyone should get these SnapWare containers. I have one for flour, one for sugar, and one for powdered sugar. Life is grand with these things.

  

And here we are, kids. Chocolate wrapped in more chocolate with a powdered sugar coating. Too. Damn. Delicious. The best part is, even when they're cool, the kisses have a gooey texture. God, I love these cookies. You should, too. Make them. Trust me, it's worth breaking your resolution diets.

RECIPE!

Double Chocolate Truffle Cookies w/Hershey Kiss Centers
-1 cup softened margarine or butter
-1 teaspoon vanilla
-2/3 cup sugar
-1 2/3 cup flour
-1/4 cup cocoa powder
-1 bag Hershey kisses
-powdered sugar for coating (optional, but oh so tasty)

Cream the sugar, butter, and vanilla in a large bowl, set aside.

In another bowl, mix together the flour and cocoa. Slowly blend into the other mixture.

If you want them to stay ball-like, here is where you put the dough in the fridge. Overnight works best, but a couple of hours just to firm it up will work. I skipped this step and got a more cookie-like look. The taste is the same.

Once you've chosen your method, here is where you need to preheat the oven to 350.

Using a scant tablespoon, mold the dough around a kiss. Put 'em on a baking sheet and bake for 8-11 minutes until the cookies are set. I did mine at 11 and they came out perfect.

When they're done, they should still have an almost cake-like spongy quality to them, but they will still obviously be a cookie-like snack.

After they cool, coat them in powdered sugar. If you have them in a ball shape, just roll 'em through twice. If they are a cookie shape, flopping 'em in and covering them works just fine.

Store them in an airtight container and all is well in your chocolatey world for a while. 

Dealing because I have to

I've learned something about myself. I *really* want to be a mom.

I haven't recovered well from the miscarriage emotionally, especially for someone who knew she was pregnant for all of 3 days. I have several friends who are pregnant, and I find myself wanting to cry because I'm not right there with them. It's upsetting. I don't like being like this. I talked to my doctor about everything. He gave me the go-ahead to continue birth control and recommended that I stay on it until at least March to give my body time to fully heal and get back into its rhythms. He said after March, if we want, I can go off the pills and try again for real. He took me off the meds we think caused the surprise pregnancy in the first place, too. The FDA now has some more reports from that particular drug possibly interfering with birth control. It's something they hadn't studied before because no other drugs in that family had every shown any kind of interference. This one has a couple dozen across the country now. Not many, but still worth an investigation. Worst case scenario the drug (that works great for many people, but not me) will have to carry a label. Not a big deal.

I've decided in the meantime to take control of this house. I am purging. I'm cleaning and getting rid of anything and everything that I can't see a purpose for anymore. What stuff isn't complete junk is being donated or given to friends who could actually use it. By the way, anyone need a fairly handy plastic shelf? I purged enough stuff to where I don't need it anymore. Let me know.

One room at a time, I am reclaiming my house as my space. I am eliminating useless clutter. It's something I can control, and it gives me something to focus on.

Nate and I have also decided to start aggressively saving to buy a house. I see my purging as an ultimate service to myself. When the time comes to move, I'll have that much less stuff to pack up.

That's it, really. Nate & I got new phones. We both needed them. I'm cleaning. So there we go.

Christmas 2010, the best and worst Christmas ever.

This past Christmas is officially going into my personal history as both the best and the worst Christmas ever.

On December 23rd, after a couple of weeks of really wondering, I took a pregnancy test. It was one of them where you pee in the cup and then dip the stick in the pee. You're supposed to hold the stick in the pee for 20 seconds, then put the cap on and let it sit flat for 2 minutes. Before the initial 20 seconds was up, the test turned positive. I sat in the bathroom making sure I followed the instructions exactly with a stopwatch in my hand...and sure enough at the 2 minute mark it was still bright blue and very positive.

After the initial freak out, Nate and I figured "it's OK, we can do this." After all, dumber and poorer people than us have managed to raise wonderful kids and if you wait until you're financially stable it'll never happen.

On Christmas, we told a couple of family members that we might just be expecting. The reaction from those family members reassured me that yes, this can be done, it'll be OK.

Then the pains started. Late Saturday night. I heard cramps and such could happen in early pregnancy, so I wasn't too worried.

Then Sunday came along. The worst pain I've ever experienced in my life started. And then the bleeding started. Without getting too detailed and disgusting, I will say I nearly called an ambulance there was so much of it. I knew immediately what was happening. I called Nate at work to tell him. I spent Sunday curled up on my couch crying and then running to the bathroom to...clean up. No matter what I did, it just wouldn't stop.

So in the span of a few days I found out I was pregnant and lost the baby. I'm a fucking statistic and I hate it. Depending on whose version of pregnancy math you use, I was between 5 and 7 weeks along. I was going to call the doctor on Monday to make the happy appointment, and I was going to tell my mom then. Sure enough instead I got to tell her that the reason I had been sick was because I had miscarried.

It's the worst feeling in the world, even though it was a complete surprise. While initially I was completely shocked and terrified, I got over that pretty quickly and started to get excited. I was figuring out how to rearrange the house to make room for baby stuff...I even bought myself a couple of books because we all know what a research junkie I am.

My heart is shattered. My mom tells me that at least it was all a big surprise, that we hadn't been trying for a baby..she says it's a blessing that it was all sorta there and gone. She insists that while it hurts, it's much worse when you're trying.

I can't imagine going through this when it's a planned pregnancy. I always knew it must be difficult, but now that I've gone through it...I'm scared. I'm scared that when we actively try it's gonna happen again and that it will just hurt worse and worse. I know that the statistics are now in my favor for a successful pregnancy, but let's face it, a broken heart doesn't listen to statistics and reason.

The worst part of all of this has got to be Nate's reactions. He's happy I miscarried. He also doesn't understand that I don't want to have sex for a while because I hurt and don't feel good. In every other way my husband is awesome, but in this respect he's just making it worse.

So yeah. There you go. Yes, I was pregnant, but I'm not now. I'm miserable about it and I just hate that I feel so miserable.

I'm stranded.

Wednesday night, I got off work a little early. Traffic was nasty because of the weather, so I decided to take the back roads home. By back roads, I mean well-lit, major surface streets in our lovely city. Wanna know what it got me?

The good side of all this is that if the frame isn't bent, my truck is definitely fixable. If the frame bent, then I'm screwed.

If you're curious, I hit an Infiniti sedan. The fiberglass on his car disintegrated (as it's designed to do) but damn does it make the damage look so much worse. My biggest fear is the bent frame. The rest of the truck is easily fixable: new fender, new bumper, replace the parking light assembly. All very affordable parts, actually. Not that I've been impatient or anything :-)

Fortunately the adjuster should be calling me on Monday. Until then, I have to figure out how the hell I'm going to get to work.