Friday, January 22, 2010
Epic Win!
Tim bought me this. Just FYI, it is an epic WIN. Major major epic win of win-y awesomeness. Seriously.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
it's been a while.
I've pretty much hit the point of a complete and total breakdown. The reality of losing my job and not having another one lined up already is scaring me big time. Nate still hasn't found a job due to his ridiculous and unrealistic standards. I'm ready to just...panic.
My best friend and her fiance are facing a point in their relationship that is completely make or break. I can't help but feel that her fiance is pressuring me to fix it when I can't. I talked to both of them, told them what I think they should do...and beyond that, nothing else I say or do is going to fix their relationship. It's all up to them, period.
I can't help but feel like I'm responsible for fixing it. As a result, I'm racking my brain for them and neglecting my own marriage. Nate already puts up with a lot of bullshit from me, I don't want to make it actual drama.
Yet another thing bothering me. It's been six months (and one week) since we've been married, and I don't want to ruin the happiness between us because I'm stressing out over my best friend's situation. I KNOW I CAN'T FIX IT. But still, I try. I yearn to fix it either way.
Time and time again, I try to fix things that are beyond my control. I know it's ridiculous, but I like being in control of my own life, and I like my friends to be happy.
Honestly, I wish her fiance would stop asking me for help. I can't do any more than I already have. I truly think this is going to break them, and I'll be the one to blame. That's ridiculous, I know, but I can't help but think that.
I'm also stressed out because I am running out of meds and can't get any more. I've heard that some of the metabolism-increasing diet supplements can help for those of us with serotonin imbalances, so worst case scenario I'll try that to hold me at least on this side of depression until I can get my drug. It's pathetic, but I found myself fantasizing about a black market for zoloft where I can get all of the drug I need for the next year for cheap.
But, I've realized that most of this attitude I'm projecting has to do with the fact that I am running out of my drugs. I'm rationing them, only taking them every other day to make them last longer. The problem with this method is that they don't work nearly as well.
The result? A nasty rush back of my symptoms. No, they aren't as severe because I do have at least some zoloft in my system, but they are there. I'm irritable, I'm tired all the time, I feel like I'm on the brink of tears constantly, I feel guilty for no damn reason at all....
...anyone else have little alarms going off, because I sure do.
I try to suck it up, but I really don't think I can handle the impending life crisis of unemployment without my zoloft. Yes, I use it like a crutch, but I like living and I like my life, and the zoloft makes it possible for me to live my life.
The point of this random non sequitur of a rant? Dysthymia and depression are real, and they suck. I hate having dysthymia because I know it's a life long chronic condition. I'll probably be on zoloft for the rest of my life. I hate that fact. I hate that there is a strong possibility my children will deal with the same crap. I hate that my ability to live my life depends on a supply of a little blue pill.
I hate that I'm freaking out over a situation I should be able to handle.
I don't even know anymore. I'm all over the place (hey, look, another symptom!)
I'm sorry to those who have real problems who sat through this. I know I'm being a self-indulgent and whiny brat, I just feel like if I get this all out I might be able to force myself through without my happy pills.
My best friend and her fiance are facing a point in their relationship that is completely make or break. I can't help but feel that her fiance is pressuring me to fix it when I can't. I talked to both of them, told them what I think they should do...and beyond that, nothing else I say or do is going to fix their relationship. It's all up to them, period.
I can't help but feel like I'm responsible for fixing it. As a result, I'm racking my brain for them and neglecting my own marriage. Nate already puts up with a lot of bullshit from me, I don't want to make it actual drama.
Yet another thing bothering me. It's been six months (and one week) since we've been married, and I don't want to ruin the happiness between us because I'm stressing out over my best friend's situation. I KNOW I CAN'T FIX IT. But still, I try. I yearn to fix it either way.
Time and time again, I try to fix things that are beyond my control. I know it's ridiculous, but I like being in control of my own life, and I like my friends to be happy.
Honestly, I wish her fiance would stop asking me for help. I can't do any more than I already have. I truly think this is going to break them, and I'll be the one to blame. That's ridiculous, I know, but I can't help but think that.
I'm also stressed out because I am running out of meds and can't get any more. I've heard that some of the metabolism-increasing diet supplements can help for those of us with serotonin imbalances, so worst case scenario I'll try that to hold me at least on this side of depression until I can get my drug. It's pathetic, but I found myself fantasizing about a black market for zoloft where I can get all of the drug I need for the next year for cheap.
But, I've realized that most of this attitude I'm projecting has to do with the fact that I am running out of my drugs. I'm rationing them, only taking them every other day to make them last longer. The problem with this method is that they don't work nearly as well.
The result? A nasty rush back of my symptoms. No, they aren't as severe because I do have at least some zoloft in my system, but they are there. I'm irritable, I'm tired all the time, I feel like I'm on the brink of tears constantly, I feel guilty for no damn reason at all....
...anyone else have little alarms going off, because I sure do.
I try to suck it up, but I really don't think I can handle the impending life crisis of unemployment without my zoloft. Yes, I use it like a crutch, but I like living and I like my life, and the zoloft makes it possible for me to live my life.
The point of this random non sequitur of a rant? Dysthymia and depression are real, and they suck. I hate having dysthymia because I know it's a life long chronic condition. I'll probably be on zoloft for the rest of my life. I hate that fact. I hate that there is a strong possibility my children will deal with the same crap. I hate that my ability to live my life depends on a supply of a little blue pill.
I hate that I'm freaking out over a situation I should be able to handle.
I don't even know anymore. I'm all over the place (hey, look, another symptom!)
I'm sorry to those who have real problems who sat through this. I know I'm being a self-indulgent and whiny brat, I just feel like if I get this all out I might be able to force myself through without my happy pills.
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