I'm stranded.

Wednesday night, I got off work a little early. Traffic was nasty because of the weather, so I decided to take the back roads home. By back roads, I mean well-lit, major surface streets in our lovely city. Wanna know what it got me?

The good side of all this is that if the frame isn't bent, my truck is definitely fixable. If the frame bent, then I'm screwed.

If you're curious, I hit an Infiniti sedan. The fiberglass on his car disintegrated (as it's designed to do) but damn does it make the damage look so much worse. My biggest fear is the bent frame. The rest of the truck is easily fixable: new fender, new bumper, replace the parking light assembly. All very affordable parts, actually. Not that I've been impatient or anything :-)

Fortunately the adjuster should be calling me on Monday. Until then, I have to figure out how the hell I'm going to get to work.

Man, I suck.

So much for the daily blogging thing. I figured it would take me longer to fail miserably at that goal.

Anyhow, I've been all domestic recently. I've been cooking, crocheting, even cleaning. Yes, cleaning. It's ridiculous.

So last night was the first recipe I've tried that I've screwed up. It's an easy fix, and it's still tasty, it's just..off a smidge.

Today's mission is a black magic cake. Yes, chocolate, a hint of coffee, and sugary goodness.

Now I have to go get my husband to stop yelling at my dog for no reason. Nate has no patience for children or animals, I swear.

I have never met my mother-in-law. I've only ever heard her voice on a voicemail she left for Nate for his birthday. I've never seen a picture of her.

Long story short, she hasn't been involved in Nate's life since he was 15ish. For a reason I'd rather not get in to right now.

Nate's brother recently made contact with her again. She knows Nate is married, but that's about it. She knows my name. She has no idea what I look like, or even what her youngest son looks like now. Nate wants to call her, but for a myriad of reasons, he can't make himself do it. So, I got her address. Pretty easy considering I already had her phone number. I want to send her a letter and a few pictures of me and Nate. I know the things I want to tell her, the things I want to ask her, but I'm struggling with how to word it all and work it all out.

I also need to pick some good pictures to print out and send her.

If you're wondering, yes, Nate knows what I'm doing. I wouldn't deceive my husband, especially over something that is so directly involving him.

So..what do I do? "Hey Joyce! I'm the daughter-in-law you didn't know existed until recently! How've you been?"

I'll figure it out. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's writing letters.

I spent today at home thanks to a migraine. It sucked.

Perhaps I'm Pathetic...

I am still addicted to Degrassi.

I'm 24, and should be over this show, but alas, I am not.

Anyhow, I've finally decided on a Halloween costume for this year, now I just have to go shopping to find the coat in my price range. I'm going as Carmen SanDiego.

Yes, I am that big of a nerd. I've got everything but the two most important pieces: the coat and the hat. I found the hat. I need to find the coat.

This is my mission.

Today would have been John Lennon's 70th birthday. As a Beatles fan, and a music fan in general, I can't help but wonder what changes (if any) he could have brought to the music world had he not been murdered.

Think about it. Look at what Paul McCartney did. Look at what George Harrison did. Can you imagine a music world with John Lennon still in it? Holy shit!

I leave you with this for today:

Mr. Happy

This is Mr. Happy. During some of our last days at FYE, we had gotten to the point where we just didn't have anything else to do. No shipments, barely anything to straighten, and nothing left to throw away because we needed it for the next couple of weeks. So...we played. We played with whatever toys, leftover supplies, and mystery boxes of stuff we found while cleaning. I found a big bag of balloons we would use for the various sales, and decided that nothing would make me happier than balloons. Like all retail stores, we also had a boat load of permanent markers. Enter Mr. Happy. I had a great day with Mr. Happy...until Bryan killed him. Bryan, the senior assistant manager, put packing tape on Mr. Happy. He died a horrible, gruesome death. All I have left of him is this picture snapped with my cell phone.

Rest in peace, Mr. Happy.

(you can also see how bare our shelves were getting towards the end, too!)

New goal, starting today.

I've set myself a little bit of a goal. I want to blog every day. Be it a sentence, a paragraph, or a full-on rant, I want to write something publicly every day.

I'm starting this today, and I'm hoping I remember this goal and stick with it.

Today I have nothing much to say, except that I have picked an old hobby back up: I've started to crochet again. My first project was supposed to be a potholder, but I decided to just keep going and it's rapidly turning into a black scarf with orange stripes. My first color change was rather sloppy, so I've cheated with the others and so far it's working out. No, it is by no means a professional (or good, really) scarf, but it is mine, it is for me, and I'm content with it. I figure by the time I get through this one I'll be prepared enough to learn a new stitch or two and maybe tackle a scarf for my niece or a hat for myself.

I've been compelled to pick up a useful craft, and now I have. Huzzah for me!

And as this point...I have nothing more to say.

Park 51 ranting.

I spent 5 minutes doing some research this morning. This hot-button issue of the so-called "Ground Zero Mosque" got Nate & I thinking. We decided to figure out exactly what the controversy is, exactly why people are so upset. After my brief foray into the issue, I've decided that, thus far, nobody has presented a good argument for why Park 51 shouldn't be built. For one, it's two blocks away from Ground Zero, not immediately in the face of the memorial. Also, I refuse to hold an entire religion responsible for the actions of a small percentage. That's like saying all Catholics are child molesters thanks to those handful of horrible priests. I won't do it. Given, most of my information comes from Google and the Park 51 website, but honestly, if they achieve half of the proposed goals in their mission statement, I see it as a good thing. A community center fostering togetherness, education, recreation, and understanding. Oh, that's right, Americans don't like people who tell them to get along. Honestly, though, nobody has presented me with a sound case against the building of Park 51. The one thing I can think of against it is the fear for the safety of those who would want to use the center. I can only imagine some moron attacking a group of college students walking in for an art exhibition in one of the galleries. It doesn't seem fair to me. It is private property, they have a constitutional right to build whatever the hell they want on that property so long as it is within the letter of the law. Last time I checked, a mosque was legal, a recreation center was legal, a gym was legal, and art galleries were legal. What is the big deal? Why is nobody considering the constitutional rights of these American Citizens to peacefully worship however and wherever the hell they choose? I'm frustrated my the lack of any cohesive argument from the opposition. Given, I may just be optimistically buying into the hype that the Park 51 developers have put out into the world, but I'd much rather believe in the goodness of people than assume that everyone in the world is bad and out to get me based on religious differences.

I hate this.

I hate my job. More than I've ever hated any job I've ever had. Yesterday sealed the deal when there was literally nothing I could do to calm down an upset customer, and the phone number we have for dealing with this had us on hold for over 15 minutes..and they never did answer. Which resulted in the customer getting even more irate and insisting that I was just trying to get rid of him. I'm just a schedule center employee, I don't deal with warranties. I did everything I could, and my support system was nowhere. The shop wouldn't even answer their damn phone; I guess since they closed in 15 minutes they didn't want to deal with anything.

It's all just too much stress for the pittance I get paid. I think I'd almost rather go back to retail for $8/hr. Almost.

Right now we need the money desperately. Hell, if I could handle late nights, I'd go be a stripper rather than do this.

I have to force myself to get in the car and go to work every day. I cry just thinking about all the time I spend in that place. I hate it. Plain and simple.

I'm going to start looking for something else. Until then, I'll just paste a smile on my face and pretend that it's all OK.

Random Thoughts

I've been working on this particular entry for days. I have more to add, but it'll have to wait.

* Parenthood will be an adventure for one key reason: Nate's never had chickenpox.
* The best part of my new job is that I don't have to smell my customers.
* There is a little piece of me that cries every month when I refill my Zoloft.
* My husband is truly the best thing to happen to me thus far
* My egocentricity is merely an attempt to stick to what I know
* My ears are all pierced up to make them pretty - I thought they looked weird before
* People with poor pronunciation of their native language make me giggle
* Kids are meant to play in the dirty. Also, dirty kids are happy kids.
* Everyone should have a pet at some point in their life even it its just a fish. We all need to learn to care for another and how to cope with death.
* Even if it causes every type of cancer known to man, I will never stop eating chocolate.
* I get more confused when there aren't random bruises all over me than when there are random bruises all over me; I've learned to accept them and I miss them when they're gone.
* Kitty Kisses and Poodle Punches are awesome to wake up to, even if it means I have weird scratches to explain to people
* Lying in a hammock between two trees on a warm summer afternoon with a gentle breeze blowing, a cold drink in my hand and the leaves leaving little shadows on my face is a moment of absolute perfection.
* Nothing beats the smell of summer, not even the crisp smell of early fall. Summer trumps all.
* If I ever leave the midwest, I think I'll miss that summer smell the most.
* True love is someone who just laughs when you fart.
* It's taken me years to be OK with it, but I now accept that I need the meds and probably always will. I've finally realized that they simply let me be me and they let me live my life.

I have plenty more, those are just the ones I have handy. I guess I'll just write more of these as I see fit.

Be The Match, Explained

To explain the last post:

I put myself on the National Bone Marrow Donor Registry. Essentially my genetic and blood type profile is available to medical personnel to find matches for people with cancer or other blood disorders to potentially get a donation to prolong their life.

I've wanted to be on the registry for a long time, and I finally took the time to do it. A lot of people wonder why I've chosen to be a donor, and I'm going to try to explain.

Essentially, it boils down to the fact that a minor inconvenience on my part (a couple of days off due to a medical procedure) can save someone's life, or at least prolong it enough to eventually save it. Even if the recipient rejects the donation, I bought them that much more time with their family for a pittance of a price. I can't help but believe that we should help our fellow humans in any way possible, be it the tiny act of kindness of holding open a door to a major thing such as donating a large sum of money to the Red Cross. I truly believe that anything you can do to help your fellow humans is a good thing. I believe in doing it for the sake of improving our society as a whole. Being on the registry, to me, is just one more tiny way I can help out.

I'm a born volunteer. I donated 2700+ hours at COSI as a kid (and I'm going back to hit the big 3K), and I do random bits around town. I volunteer at Planned Parenthood, I donate time wherever I can. This is just one more step in that for me.

Sometimes, I get really impatient to be financially stable mainly because I know that money talks, and I really want to be able to donate money to the ASPCA, to the Red Cross, to a dozen different organizations I feel could use it. I believe in putting your money where your mouth is..but not at the expense of your own family losing its stability.

I have this great Utopian dream where people aren't so hesitant to help each other out.

My husband and I are broke. Hardcore. We're barely making ends meet thanks to me being out of work right now. I still went through my closet and found all the decent clothes that didn't fit or that I just don't wear and I donated them. Half to the Kidney Foundation, half to the Salvation Army. Sure, it's not a monetary donation, but it will help in its own small way. If nothing else, someone can get a decent pair of jeans cheap at the thrift store now thanks to me getting chubby :-D

I'm also an organ donor. When I die, the doctors can take anything that can be used. Once again, I'm not going to be needing it, so let someone else get some use out of it. Recycling on a biological level :-)

I donate blood regularly, too. Not as regularly as I should honestly, but I do it. I just donated 30 days ago, so I'm not allowed to another 30 days but still. I did it. I do it. I'm an O negative, so I feel compelled. Anyone can use my blood, therefore I need to donate. Once again, on my part it costs virtually nothing for the opportunity to help people.

Perhaps you've noticed I use a lot of "cost vs payout" style logic, and it's true, I do. In most people's minds, they thing "what is in it for me? what does this cost me?" which, let's face it, is a survival thing.

So, my challenge: what can you do? Is there something small you can do to improve the world? Hold a door open for someone, donate blood, volunteer an hour of your time for a cause you believe in, anything. Do something that doesn't simply benefit you, but that benefits society as a whole.

Also, I know this was link heavy; I decided to make it easy for any fellow research junkies.

Epic Win!

Tim bought me this. Just FYI, it is an epic WIN. Major major epic win of win-y awesomeness. Seriously.

it's been a while.

I've pretty much hit the point of a complete and total breakdown. The reality of losing my job and not having another one lined up already is scaring me big time. Nate still hasn't found a job due to his ridiculous and unrealistic standards. I'm ready to just...panic.

My best friend and her fiance are facing a point in their relationship that is completely make or break. I can't help but feel that her fiance is pressuring me to fix it when I can't. I talked to both of them, told them what I think they should do...and beyond that, nothing else I say or do is going to fix their relationship. It's all up to them, period.

I can't help but feel like I'm responsible for fixing it. As a result, I'm racking my brain for them and neglecting my own marriage. Nate already puts up with a lot of bullshit from me, I don't want to make it actual drama.

Yet another thing bothering me. It's been six months (and one week) since we've been married, and I don't want to ruin the happiness between us because I'm stressing out over my best friend's situation. I KNOW I CAN'T FIX IT. But still, I try. I yearn to fix it either way.

Time and time again, I try to fix things that are beyond my control. I know it's ridiculous, but I like being in control of my own life, and I like my friends to be happy.

Honestly, I wish her fiance would stop asking me for help. I can't do any more than I already have. I truly think this is going to break them, and I'll be the one to blame. That's ridiculous, I know, but I can't help but think that.

I'm also stressed out because I am running out of meds and can't get any more. I've heard that some of the metabolism-increasing diet supplements can help for those of us with serotonin imbalances, so worst case scenario I'll try that to hold me at least on this side of depression until I can get my drug. It's pathetic, but I found myself fantasizing about a black market for zoloft where I can get all of the drug I need for the next year for cheap.

But, I've realized that most of this attitude I'm projecting has to do with the fact that I am running out of my drugs. I'm rationing them, only taking them every other day to make them last longer. The problem with this method is that they don't work nearly as well.

The result? A nasty rush back of my symptoms. No, they aren't as severe because I do have at least some zoloft in my system, but they are there. I'm irritable, I'm tired all the time, I feel like I'm on the brink of tears constantly, I feel guilty for no damn reason at all....

...anyone else have little alarms going off, because I sure do.

I try to suck it up, but I really don't think I can handle the impending life crisis of unemployment without my zoloft. Yes, I use it like a crutch, but I like living and I like my life, and the zoloft makes it possible for me to live my life.

The point of this random non sequitur of a rant? Dysthymia and depression are real, and they suck. I hate having dysthymia because I know it's a life long chronic condition. I'll probably be on zoloft for the rest of my life. I hate that fact. I hate that there is a strong possibility my children will deal with the same crap. I hate that my ability to live my life depends on a supply of a little blue pill.

I hate that I'm freaking out over a situation I should be able to handle.

I don't even know anymore. I'm all over the place (hey, look, another symptom!)

I'm sorry to those who have real problems who sat through this. I know I'm being a self-indulgent and whiny brat, I just feel like if I get this all out I might be able to force myself through without my happy pills.